turn loose now, relax. let a good, pleasant feeling come all across your body. let every muscle and every nerve grow so loose and so limp and so relaxed. arms limp now, just like a rag doll. that's good.

now, send a pleasant wave of relaxation over your entire body, from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. just let every muscle and nerve grow loose and limp and relaxed. you are feeling more relaxed with each easy breath that you take.

droopy, drowsy and sleepy. so calm and so relaxed. you're relaxing more with each easy beat of your heart ... with each easy breath that you take ... with each sound that you hear.

a magazine that i stumbled upon. the aesthetic is shockingly good.

even when she sleeps, her forehead twitches and knots telling me clearly that it still hurts. the only thing that changes is the location and the intensity. i can't see through the skin and bone, but can imagine with startling clarity the pulsing pain as it slowly wanders here and there. sometimes it speaks. in whimpers, cries and sniffs. sometimes her eyes look as if they're behind bars, pleading for release.

i want to bring that release, but i can't. i don't know what words to say, or in what order they would have to be said to break the curse. i can't reach in and pull the pain out squirming in my hand. i can only pray for her and sometimes that seems such a mockery.

i have a decent job. it pays the bills and i don't have to get dressed or show up anywhere at any particular time. that pretty much sums up the meaning of the phrase 'good job.'

however, lately, i'm starting to think that i need to dip my hands in a little risk. not major risk, we're talking sure thing - chili mac won't starve - type risk. i need to have an ownership interest in something more than a vanity web dev company. i need the possibility of succeeding loudly and violently when my ideas work.

i can't ignore the importance of a steady paycheck, and i'm not intending on losing that. i just need to know that in five years i'll have more at hand than a modest savings account and a pile of cancelled checks.

i want to own my life, not just rent it out week to week.

ok, i forgot about this site even existing. it suddenly occured to me that i hadn't written anything in quite awhile. which is probably for the best as nothing exciting has happened either. it's mostly the duldrums of work and the excruciating labor of everyday life. and popsicles.

i finished a couple of books including, but not limited to, things my girlfriend and i have argued about by mil millington, and the art of travel by alain de botton, i've been muddling thru a number of other books but haven't found another that can keep my interest. ah, distraction.